149. Why worry when you can pray...

Some years ago, I received what I thought was a very special gift from a special friend....it was a decorative paperweight in stone with a powerful message, it says: "Why worry when you can pray!" I came to live with that mantra. When I am in difficult situation, I calm myself and pray with the belief that prayer answers all of life's troubles. Recently, my daughter came to question my mantra, just as I sometimes do. She was upset that what she prays for don't happen anyway. She came to a realization that it may not be true after all. And I am surprised myself when I told her to stop praying then. I know its not a very nice thing to say to a 12-year old but there are times when we just don not know what to believe anymore. There are times when everything seems to go wrong and there is no respite to our heartaches and problems. There are days when I see myself worrying more than praying...like today. It's not awesome, but the realization brings me to know the humanness of all of us.

148. Thirteen Days of Mourning

It has been three days since my mother-in-law passed away and the serenity of the mood in mourning seem to devour us. Pooja's and prayers are being offered and rituals are being practiced. Life has to go on though. Someone even mentioned that Amma decidedly left on a Sunday so as not to disturb our lives. Children had to go to school and workers to their workplace. The VERY practical person in me is not good at going through all those. For me, past is past and we should look at what life has in store for us - the living. Some people may not relate to how I view things but I have always been against outward show of grief and remorse. Deep inside me, I may be sad. But delving on those emotions will not bring anyone back to life...and I am sure my mother-in-law, practical person that she is, approves of that because she knows that deep inside, I am pained of her leaving.

147. Lakshmi Govindan

More than being a mother-in-law, she is a mother to me for more than thirteen years. Months before I got married to her favorite son, I was anxious to meet her. Will she like like, will she not. Would she rather have another Iyengar girl for her son or would she prefer someone who would agree to all her whims and fancies. I guess, afraid was the right word then. I loved her son, but I am not sure whether she will like me, let alone love. But all the stressful feeling vanished when I finally met her and she took me in her arms. Right there and then, I knew I will not be in a stereo-typed mother-in-law/daughter-in-law tandem.

I appreciate the fact that she went out of her way to make me feel welcome to her home and to her family. She was always soft and warm, and she was always there for us. Language was no barrier for her to show us how she cared, no amount of distance made me felt like I am different from them...all because she agreed to be...my mother.

As we laid her to rest today, I asked her for forgiveness for all that I was not to her. With all that she is to me, I should have been a lot more to her. She will b e sorely missed and her memories will remain with us, to be treasured, forever. We love you Amma!

146. Looking back

It has been another stressful week. We have been shuttling between home and hospital as my mother-in-law remains in critical condition. Today was worst when we were told that she is slipping. We rush to the hospital and as we look at her, I found it extremely painful. She is clearly suffering and I feel terribly bad for her. How I wish I can do or say something to lessen her pain...but I was there only to support the people who came through her. I do not know how long she'll last but I would like to look back and remember the days when we had her at her best. I can never forget how she used to cook my favorite dish and serve us as we eat. A typical Iyengar Brahmin mammi, she would not eat until everyone has eaten and been served. She has been very thoughtful that she never fails to remember me whenever there is an occasion that I celebrate being of different faith from them. I would want to look back and remember her as who she was rather than what she is now.  

145. The girls

Independence day and I started the day right...taking my daughter to school for their I-day programme and heading out to the gym to liberate myself from health problems. When I went to pick her up, she came up with a request to have her friends at home for the day....and how can I say no to that. Her two best buddies are really good, quirky girls who are fun to be with. From very good families, I really don't mind having them around my little girl. I enjoy having a glimpse of the growing up years of this generation. More than getting me materials to write about, it gives me immense satisfaction to see for myself how my little girl is evolving which helps me understand her more and more. I just hope they studied enough for their computer exam, which is primarily their reason for getting together today!

144. Friends are friends...

In my current situation, partying is the last thing in my mind. So when my good friend called up to invite for a birthday party, I had to decline. Much as I would like to meet fellow filipinos and eat our very own adobo et al, I have to be practical and reasonable enough to stay back. But then, friends are friends and I sincerely appreciate when my friend, the birthday celebrant herself, came up to the house to bring me food tonight, right after the party is over. I was really touched to have Tita Josie and her husband visit me together with Ate Cita, Tito Frank and their Mexican friend, Jesus. It was more than I could ask for, true friends who come to me when I needed them the most. May their tribe increase!

143. When there is only one set of footprints

So much has happened and a lot is still happening...all look bad. And then, the gospel tells me....faith is what matters. It is not easy to believe what the bible says when we are at this stage when I don't feel well, my husband has to travel a lot, my mother-in-law is in the ICU,  and I have a million things to do. There seems to be no end to what my husband calls, "testing time". I envy his dedication and trust in the Lord for He never wavers even in this difficult times. He prays all the time and keeps on hoping that the end of the tunnel will come soon and that the silver lining will be visible to us. I used to believe in the song Footprints in the Sands and I guess I still am, its just that I am not sure if those footprints are the Lord's or my husband's who do not fail to try and lift me up when I am losing my faith in what tomorrow brings.